After a profound conversation by text with one of my Goddess of Wisdom triumvirate Mistress Rage I was made aware of an on going miscommunication. She was putting together a project of Domme and the subject of tease and denial came up. I mentioned how I do love tease and denial and she was rather surprised for one very simple reason. The subbys she spoke to and numerous others in the BDSM scene usually understand tease and denial as a hand job without the happy ending (unhappy ending?). I could understand that being perhaps part of t&d but apparently-to my astonishment-that was the whole of it.
Well frack me.
So this whole time (over a decade I might add) that t&d has been part of my repertoire there has been a language hiccup of sorts. When tease and denial is involved literal is the name of the game that lights my torch. Think BLOW job, taunting my playmate/victim with how close my lips are as I blow air on to his one eye trouser snake. Tormenting a tied up slave with what he or she wants but can not have seems more natural and divinely devious. Fingertips and long manicured claws stroke so close to wanton areas that will ultimately denied. If my mood is particularly humorous I might blindfold a bound subby and then take off my top, rubbing my cups under nose so my perfume hits brain and my nudity apparent. However subby can’t see my gorgeous golden globes that I know s/he has been drooling over and trying hard not to stare at. Blindfold comes off only after clothes are back on. I have always been a fan of the myth Tantalus.
I wonder how many people I have played with knew that MY definition and practice of t&d was very different than their concept of it and ultimately disappointed. I take pervvy joy in that . To me that’s a blue ball double win. I also wonder how many subbys went in thinking handjob but came out with a greater understanding of what play and good BDSM/fetish can be. When meaning is more meaningful, it makes me truly joyful.
At the end of the day it comes down to the definition and power of words. It lies with the individual and their personal, societal, contextual filter. When I declare that I am of the nerdly persuasion and super geek, these are positive descriptors. I attribute good qualities like a love of reading, gaming, intelligence, scifi/fantasy, British comedy (ability to quote Monty Python), computing and IT etc.. Yet to others, geek or nerd has very negative connotations like social awkwardness, passivity, and a fetishism for pocket protectors. It would also be remiss to not include the fact that geek was/is the term for a circus performer that bites the head off of live animals (luckily this type of performance is quite passe).
I say potato you say pahtato…
As we push words through our filters, it changes and evolves the words . The words are magic because WE give them power and thereby changing and influencing the things around us. If that isn’t magic I don’t know what is.
So in conclusion it is probably wise when communicating with others to take filters into consideration and not ASSume that everyone’s definition is the same. By doing so WE have the potential to communicate more effectively WITH each other and good communication is the start point of positive outcomes.
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